The End Times

 Three weeks into Namibia with a month until we will all be home, sends the mind into a panic of sorts. Unconsciously planning what's next in life, sorting out things you've put off thinking of for months. With Rehoboth, Namibia being a watered down western society we are starting to feel the winds of schedule and routine rush against our faces. It's so easy to get swept away with these things. It's so easy to start collecting the pieces of this trip without living in them right now. It's easy to forgot that we committed six months when we are in the home stretch and the countdowns have begun in the fifth month. Our bodies are here but our minds are off making plans with friends and family back home. We are only half alive. Exhausted from the days tasks we claim but it's really a tiredness caused by living in two worlds. We know that this isn't the way God intended us to experience our last month here, so the question becomes how do I commit all of myself to living presently?How can I live each moment and each day with Gods intention instead of my own?

The only way this is possible, is if I give up my control. I let go of the balloon carrying all fears and anxieties about unpausing life in America. I breathe in every moment as if it's my very first and my very last. I choose to look into the eyes of my favorite fourth graders living in block E, (the poorest part of Reboboth) and I tell them I love them. I choose to sing the banana song for the millionth time with everything in me just to see those beautiful smiles on their faces. I choose to find unconventional ways to serve this community even if it means temporary discomfort for myself. 

I begin to discover this 'giving up control' thing isn't all that easy. I make many mistakes, continuously fighting for my life, fighting for circumstances to be solved by my solution and hitting the wall of truth reminding me that only God's solution will work. My plan becomes living unplanned. Every morning the sun rises over me warming me to the idea of a brand new day. A no accident day. A day that was written before I was in existence. This is the day The Lord has made. This is the moment The Lord has made. CHOOSE to rejoice in it. Choose to seek the brilliant face of Creator. Choose to smile in the difficulties, choose to love the things we call mistakes. Because The Lord has promised he will fulfill his purpose in us.

 As this pilgrimage comes to end, I realize that the gospel never does. The stories, and the memories will be fresh and exciting but I'm living in the same Truth forever. On this life journey every day looks different, every day is new, but everyday carries the sweet aroma of a Savior. Everyday reveals the masterpiece of an Artist in love. 

He has shattered the yoke that burdens me.

So why do I worry about the ending of a book that's already written? Why worry about a life sealed with the promise of love and joy? Why worry when He says to me, "Do not fear," as he takes hold of my hand.

"However many years a man may live, let him enjoy them all"

Ecclesiastes 11:8

References:

Psalm 139:16

Psalm 118:24

Psalm 138:8

Isaiah 9:4

Isaiah 41:13

My name is Not Enough

I am a witness to my own inadequacy every day. 

That's a scary thought.

But it's the truth. Countless times during the span of 24 hours I give in. I give in to negative thoughts, disbelief, and human need. 

I feel tired, I feel hungry, I feel useless, I feel unsatisified. 

And so I give in.

I witness my lack of use. I witness my being not enough. 

I am not enough. I will never be enough. 

I've heard this quote, "God doesn't call the qualified, he qualifies the called" 

But the thing is, only One was qualified.

One was enough for us never being enough. 

And because of that One, we have a chance.

"He heard my voice" (psalm 116:1) he heard my moans, he listened as I wept, he felt the heaviness of my empty life. "And he answered by setting me free" (psalm 118:5) he answered by breaking the chains of my humanness, he answered by loving me perfectly.

There is nothing remotely good within me but Christ.